Law #6: Attachment Style Theory

Love

Lena is in love. At least she thinks she's in love. Her boyfriend, Aidan, says that he loves her and that he wants to marry her, but Lena isn't quite sure. She wants to love Aidan, and sometimes she thinks that she does, but her feelings scare her, and she kind of wants to run away and hide. Lena and Aidan are both in their late 20s, which is part of the time of life known as early adulthood.

During early adulthood, many people fall in love. But why do people fall in love? And why do some, like Lena, experience difficulties with regards to romantic love? Let's take a closer look at three theories on love: evolutionary theory, equity theory, and attachment theory.

Evolutionary Theory

Lena isn't sure she even believes in love. Sure, Aidan makes her feel happy, and she's attracted to him, but what is love? And why do people fall in love? These are questions Lena doesn't know the answer to.

One theory to explain why people fall in love is the evolutionary theory of love. This theory looks at love as an extension of our evolution. Since the goal of evolution is to survive, the traits that insure survival are passed down from generation to generation.

Let's look at an example. Imagine Caveman Bill has great eyesight. He can spot a saber-tooth tiger from a mile away. His buddy, Caveman Dave, though, has horrible eyesight. Caveman Dave could be nose-to-nose with a saber-tooth before he even noticed!

Who do you think will survive long enough to have kids and grandkids? Chances are, Caveman Bill will see the tiger and move to safety, while Caveman Dave becomes the tiger's lunch. And because Caveman Bill survives long enough to have kids, his good eyesight is passed down to the next generation, while Caveman Dave's bad eyesight isn't.

That's the essence of evolution. But what does that have to do with love? According to evolutionary theory, there are two elements of love that have been passed down through evolution: sexual attraction and attachment.

Sexual attraction is that zing that you feel when you are faced with someone who you are physically attracted to. Lena definitely feels that for Aidan. Whenever he's around, her heart races and she feels all fluttery inside. According to evolutionary theory, sexual attraction is there to help us mate. After all, if Caveman Bill feels sexual attraction for his wife, he is likely to have kids and pass down his propensity for sexual attraction to the next generation.

But sexual attraction isn't the only element of love. Love is also defined by emotional attachment. When Lena is around Aidan, she feels happy. She wants to do things for him and wants to keep him around. What's the evolutionary purpose of that?

Well, think about Caveman Bill again. If he and his wife don't have an attachment, they are likely to go their separate ways. And in the cold, hard world of cavemen (and the cold, hard world of today), survival is higher if you have a partner. After all, if Caveman Bill has a hard day hunting wooly mammoths and comes home with no food, his wife might have some berries and plants that she gathered for their dinner. Otherwise, he might starve.

So, according to evolutionary theory, love is all about surviving and passing our genes down to the next generation. We do that through sexual attraction and emotional attachment.

Equity Theory

But does evolutionary theory explain everything about love and relationships? To some people, talking about love as though it was just a way to make sure we have babies and pass our genes down seemed like a stretch. After all, human interactions are complex. For example, Lena could feel sexual attraction and emotional attachment to Aidan, but does that mean that she'll be happy with him? Does that mean that he's the right person for her?

Another theory on how love works is called the equity theory of love. This theory says that people want their input-outcome ratio to be roughly equivalent to their partner's input-outcome ratio. What does this mean?

Let's look at Lena and Aidan. They love to spend time together, but Lena feels like she always does the work. She plans their dates and chooses what to do. She remembers their anniversary, and while she will cancel plans with her friends for a special occasion, Aidan won't even miss watching his football game on television.

Lena's input, or contribution to the relationship, isn't matched by Aidan's. Input can be time, effort, loyalty, enthusiasm, or a number of other ways that people invest in a relationship. Meanwhile, though Lena has a higher input, it seems to her like Aidan has a higher level of outcome, or what is received from the relationship. Outcome could be things like praise, thanks, gifts, or many other things. For example, Lena cooks dinner for Aidan a lot, but he never cooks for her.

According to the equity theory of love, if people feel that their input-outcome ratio is different from their partner's, they will believe that the relationship is not equal. As a result, they will be unhappy. Just remember that people want their relationships to be equal, and you can remember the equity theory.

Attachment Theory

So evolutionary theory tries to explain why people fall in love, and equity theory tries to explain how they are happy in their relationships. But, what about how people relate to others? How does that influence love?

According to the attachment theory of love, an infant's relationship with their primary caregiver has an effect on their future relationships. Usually, though not always, the primary caregiver of a child is his or her mother, and how the mother acts with the child can have major consequences for their adult relationships. There are four basic attachment styles that adults bring into their relationships. They are:

1. Secure: These people have a positive view of themselves and others. They believe that everything is going to be good, and have no problems forming healthy relationships. Aidan's like this. He is in love with Lena and is able to love and respect her. He's happy to be in love and doesn't worry about whether things will go wrong in the future.
2. Anxious-Preoccupied: People who are like this become overly dependent upon approval and need high levels of intimacy. They are also not very trusting. Lena's friend, Gerri, is like this; she needs constant praise from her husband and is always checking up on him because she thinks he's cheating on her.
3. Dismissive-Avoidant: These people suppress their feelings and avoid attachment and intimacy. They believe that they do not need close relationships. Lena's perpetually single friend, Lola, is dismissive-avoidant. She avoids relationships at all costs and is dismissive of the need to be in one.
4. Fearful-Avoidant: People who are fearful-avoidant have mixed feelings about love. They both desire and fear close relationships. Remember how Lena loves Aidan, but that scares her and makes her want to run away? She's definitely a fearful-avoidant personality!

One thing to note about attachment theory is that though these personality types are ingrained during infancy, they are not unchangeable. With help and a lot of work, Lena can move to having more of a secure attachment type.

Lesson Summary

During early adulthood, many people fall in love. There are several theories about love. The evolutionary theory explains love in terms of the evolutionary benefits of sexual attraction and emotional attachment. The equity theory says that people want their input-outcome ratios to be approximately the same as their partner's to show that both parties are equal. Finally, the attachment theory has identified four general attachment types: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.

Attachment Theory

When you were a child, what kind of relationship did you have with your mother? Did she give you a lot of attention, or leave you to your own devices? Would you describe the relationship at that time to be healthy? Interestingly, the Attachment Theory of Love proposes that the type of romantic relationship one has as an adult is determined by the type of relationship one had with one's primary caregiver as a child. In other words, the connection or attachment we had with our primary caregiver, usually our mother, as children determines the way we behave in adult relationships. This theory originated from John Bowlby, who believed that a warm, close relationship with one's mother is just as crucial to a baby as food and oxygen. Without it, a person would not be able to develop normally - socially or emotionally.

Bowlby's theory was expanded by Mary Ainsworth and her colleagues after a classic study in which they observed the behavior of one-year-old children. The psychologists watched as children and their mothers settled into an unfamiliar playroom. At one point, the mothers left the room and then came back later. The children's behavior seemed to be based on the type of attachment they had with their mothers. Some were very distraught and clingy, while others seemed to be indifferent.

From their observations, Ainsworth and the other psychologists identified three attachment styles: secure, avoidant, and anxious/ambivalent. Each style can be defined by the level of avoidance and anxiety in the child. Let's go over the definitions and an example of all three attachment styles.

Attachment Styles

First, secure attachment style is characterized by low avoidance and low anxiety. Infants with a secure attachment style trust their caregivers. They do not avoid their mothers, and display low anxiety when she is present. During the experiment, these infants happily explored the unfamiliar room when the mother was nearby. They became a little upset when she left, but relaxed and continued playing once she returned.

The second attachment style is avoidant attachment style, which is characterized by high avoidance and low anxiety. Infants with an avoidant attachment style have no preference between a caregiver and a complete stranger. They avoid closeness with anyone and rarely feel anxiety from the presence or absence of any particular person. During the experiment, these infants did not appear to be upset by the separation, and they hardly even noticed when their mothers returned.

The third and final attachment style is anxious/ambivalent attachment style, which is characterized by low avoidance and high anxiety. Infants with an anxious/ambivalent attachment style are insecure and overemotional when it comes to their mothers. They are anxious when the mother is there and when she is absent. During the experiment, these infants clung to their mothers instead of exploring the new environment. When she left, they became extremely upset. When she returned, they either appeared to be indifferent, likely sulking, or even became hostile.

Predictions about Adult Relationships

The key assumption of attachment theory is that these different attachment styles and behaviors affect our ability to connect, especially romantically, with other adults once we mature. Attachment theorists would predict that children who have a secure relationship with their caregiver as infants grow up to have the healthiest, satisfying, and enduring adult relationships. When they are young, these individuals have caregivers who are responsive to their needs. They are able to develop a trusting relationship and are not worried about being abandoned. These same feelings should be transferred to adult relationships.

Attachment theorists predict that children who have an avoidant relationship with their caregiver as infants grow up to have the least intimate, short-term adult relationships. As children, these individuals may have caregivers who are aloof and ignore attempts to develop intimacy. As a result, they have basically given up on intimacy because they expect rejection. So, as adults, they find it difficult to develop trusting relationships and are more likely to engage in physical relationships that are void of love.

Last but not least, it's predicted that children who have an anxious/ambivalent relationship with their caregiver as infants grow up to have unstable, jealous adult relationships. When they are young, these individuals have caregivers who were likely inconsistent with affection. They became unusually anxious because they can never predict how their caregivers will behave toward them. So, as adults, they are not very trusting and tend to be extremely possessive and jealous.

Lesson Summary

In summary, the Attachment Theory of Love proposes that the type of romantic relationship one has as an adult is determined by the type of relationship one had with one's caregiver as a child. A group of psychologists identified three attachment styles: secure, avoidant, and anxious/ambivalent. The key assumption of attachment theory is that these different attachment styles and behaviors affect our ability to connect, especially romantically, with other adults.

Secure attachment style is characterized by low avoidance and low anxiety. Infants with this style trust their caregivers. They do not avoid their mothers, nor do they exhibit too much anxiety when she leaves. Attachment theorists would predict that children who have a secure relationship with their caregiver as infants grow up to have the healthiest, most satisfying and enduring adult relationships.

Avoidant attachment style is characterized by high avoidance and low anxiety. Infants with this style have no preference between a caregiver and a complete stranger. Attachment theorists predict that children who have an avoidant relationship with their caregiver as infants grow up to have the least intimate, short-term adult relationships.

Anxious/ambivalent attachment style is characterized by low avoidance and high anxiety. Infants with this style are insecure and overemotional when it comes to their mothers. They are anxious when the mother is there and when she is absent. Attachment theorists predict that children who have an anxious/ambivalent relationship with their caregiver as infants grow up to have unstable, jealous adult relationships.